It's Birthday Time!!

Since my 28^th birthday is quickly approaching I have been thinking a lot…about a lot of things. Where I thought I would be at this age and where I actually am. At first thought it would be easy to send myself into a depression thinking of ‘what could have been’ or ‘what should have been’. I am definitely not where I pictured myself being at 28 when I was 21, but then I have to remind myself, who cares? I mean really…that’s a projection I gave myself. I’m sure I was all ‘It’s God’s plan’ at that age and really meaning that, but in my head still picturing MY plan. Well I’m here to say, I am pretty sure God’s plan won ha!

When I really think about it and what all I have accomplished at this age, guess what!? I’m not that bad off! I am a cancer survivor, graduated college (finally), landed a secure job, and have even had a promotion within three years with said job/company.

Now when I say I am a cancer survivor I almost feel guilty for saying it, because I did not have the struggle as most cancer patients. Three days after my 24^th birthday I was told I had cancer and would have surgery to hopefully ‘take care of it’ a month later. I have to brag on my doctor; he is the absolute best. He found the cancer early…he told me if I had skipped my doctor’s appointment for even just one year I would not have had the same outcome as I did. May 11^th I had my surgery which ended up being a bit more invasive than the doctor had planned, but he got everything. No treatments to follow, just trips to The West Clinic in Memphis for follow ups. You don’t understand how easy I thought this cancer thing was. Don’t get me wrong I knew I was extremely lucky and blessed, but we’re talking about cancer here and I didn’t think it was that ‘easy’ to ‘take care of’. To a certain extent this journey was ‘easy’. I soon realized though my journey may not have been like some with treatments and being so ill; it was still no walk in the park. First I had trips to Memphis every 4-6 months, easy enough, huh? It might have been if I was going to see MY doctor, but I wasn’t I was going to see a doctor that I had never seen before. One who looked to be 25 at the most (he’s like 45), he is a nice person but has no bed side manner; he just wasn’t MY doctor who I was comfortable with. Let me go one the record and say this doctor is the best of the best and that's why my doctor sent me to him. After a few trips to Memphis that went well I was able to return to my Tupelo doctor just to have my first test with him come back abnormal, ugh here we go again. So back to Memphis I went for one of the most painful biopsies I have ever had. It’s then when I realized this cancer thing might not be so ‘easy’. Through the last few years I have had some of the most uncomfortable, painful poking and probing done to me. I’m to the point where I’m almost more scared of the word ‘biopsy’ than I am ‘cancer’. Obviously not, but I can’t express to you how much I hate biopsies now. Though my cancer has never returned it always seems to be looming around me. Every time a doctor’s appointment nears there is the ‘is this is the time it could be back?' or whenever I have a few bad weeks where I can’t seem to find energy…there it is ‘it’s back isn’t it?’.

I have never really spoken about all of this cancer stuff the last four years I’ve been on this journey and I really didn’t say much about it while it was first happening. It wasn’t that I didn’t want people to know; although I must say I can’t stand the look of sympathy…for someone to look at me like I’m not ‘normal’, ugh I hate it. The main reason I don’t talk about it is because if I do then it becomes ‘real’. I am still 100% blessed and lucky with it all and am able to live a ‘normal’ life unlike many others who battle this disease. When I go to The West Clinic and see how sick some of the patients are I feel really stupid for being selfish and complaining about a few pokes, scrapes and biopsies. So all that to say ‘Hey, I’m almost 28 and technically a cancer survivor!’.

Then there was the graduation from college, which my parents probably thought was never coming. The cancer thing did postpone it a few months, but I can’t blame the extra year and a half that I went to school on it ;) College was much more than an education for me. I met some of my closest friends there (ICC & MSU). College broke me out of that shell I was in during my younger years and high school. I became ME during college. It was one of my best experiences ever and I have a new ‘home’ because of it.

Since I loved MSU so much where else would I get a job?? I worked in my first department on campus for two and a half years before I got my recent promotion off campus. I am still adjusting to not being on that beautiful campus every day, but I am doing very well on this new journey.

I’ve had a tough week this week. I was lying in bed the other night pondering on another birthday and getting SO close to that dreaded 30 year mark when it hit me that I should not be feeling this down and out. I should be doing something about it. Plan a big birthday party, just because I can. I’m not tied down with a husband or  kids; I’m just ME and can do whatever I want. Of course my first thought then was ‘will people think I’m lame for going over the top for a 28^th birthday?!’. Ummm my next point, WHO CARES!? I then went to handy dandy google and found these nice little posts:

 

Why sit around and dwell on getting older when I should embrace it; it beats the alternative. So I’m picking my frumpy butt up and embracing life as it is. Along with planning a fun birthday I’ve decided to make two lists. One listing 28 things I want to do by the time I’m 30 or maybe 29…I’ll decide as I go and the other a list of my 28 favorite bible verses, which let me tell you is a very hard thing to do once you sit down looking at them all…too many! Maybe it will be 28 and a few to grow on? HA

28 Things to do by the time I’m 29 or 30:

1.    Read more

2.    Become a healthier person

3.    Travel more

4.    Save more money

5.    Complain less

6.    Bite my tongue more

7.    Find my own place that I love (rent or own)

8.    Cook more

9.    Have a morning routine…don’t just pop out of bed and rush around

10.  Get into photography (what I originally wanted to do out of High School)

11.  Have a surprise party

12.  Get back into scrapbooking…and own it (like a boss)

13.  Read my Bible more

14.  Blog at least 2-3 times a month

15.  Learn how to be less independent and stubborn when it comes to relationships

16.  Own a really expensive, nice pair of sunglasses

17.  Own a really expensive, nice purse

18.  Have 1-2 signature dishes that I’m always asked to bring to events

19.  Go white water rafting

20.   Never cancel my gym membership

21.  Participate in Relay for Life every year (big or small...every year)

22.  Worry less

23.  Become a master at planting plants and flowers

24.  Spend less time on social media

25. Go fishing more

26. Learn to sew

27. Own more classy shoes...sass it up!

28. Go to more Braves games!

 28 of my favorite verses:

1. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. --1 Corinthians 13:13

2. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. –Exodus 14:14

3. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. –Jeremiah 29:11

4. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. –Isaiah 41:10

5. You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. – Song of Solomon 4:7

6. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. -- Psalm 34:14

7. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding –Proverbs 3:5

8. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. –Philippians 4:13

9. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. – Philippians 4:6

10. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. – Matthew 6:34

11. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28

12. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. – Ephesians 2:8

13. Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. – John 14:6

14. but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. – Isaiah 40:31

15. Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. – Hebrews 11:1

16.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7

17. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

18. Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. – Psalm 143:1

19. But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. – Psalm 3:3

20. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. – 1 Chronicles 16:34

21. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27

22. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. – Deuteronomy 31:8

23.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18

24. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23

25. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. – Mark 12:30

26. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. – Hebrews 4:16

27. Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. – 1 Timothy 4:12

28. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:5-6

29. (My one to grow on):

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9

       

Ugly Cry Post

Since my last 'big' blog I've been thinking of what I'd write about next. Will it be on buying a house or renovating something close to home? My adventures of being back in small town USA. Let me tell you things are going slow, like most things do in a small town. 

But as this day, March 11th, has gotten closer and closer not much else has been on my mind other than family and my grandpa. A man that I go blank on when I first try to describe him, because he was so many things. A year ago today he went to be with the Lord after a battle with lung cancer. The roller coaster of emotions that went along with it all still seems unbearable and unbelievable. Grandpa was the strongest, smartest human being I knew...nothing could get in his way. 

I remember getting a call from my mom on a football weekend. I was eating with three of my friends at Little Dooey's and she called letting me know my grandpa had a stroke. It all came spiraling down from there. They found a spot on his lungs, a few weeks later it was confirmed cancer and not long after that came the worst news I had ever gotten. You see my grandpa had already beat cancer once and in my head this awful C word could not and would not control his life. We were told no treatments could help him and went as far as to give him a 'timeline'. 

Numbness, confusion, sickness, anger and pain consumed me. Life without my grandpa seemed impossible...completely unimaginable. From there we made the best out of it we could. I have a big, close family and we were there. He had good days and bad days. At one point we even got a glimpse of hope saying he'd gotten so strong maybe we could talk about treatments, but as quickly as that hope came it went away.

Finally, the bad days won and the ugly C word won. May 11th, oddly enough I will be cancer free for four years now. As I was getting wheeled off to my surgery I'll never forget the last two faces I saw. My daddy and my grandpa...walked out into the hall right by my bed. Nothing comforted me more than knowing they were right there 'having my back' at that moment. This C word was always supposed to be beatable with us and that is simply not how it worked out.

I was sitting at work getting ready for lunch when I got the phone call. When I saw my moms name pop up in the middle of the day I knew what it was for, my heart felt like it just stopped. I missed the rest of the work week. My family flocked to my grandparent's house. Every single one of us was there all week long. I felt as though the real world had stopped and our bubble was the only thing that existed. As everyone was all 'spring break' we were there dealing with real life. It's been a year now and I can't give any advice on how to cope or not will I even try to paint a pretty picture of life now. But I can reminisce on all the good times I've had with my family and grandpa.

My amazing Grandpa playing his fiddle. He's the only Grandpa I ever had and I couldn't have hand picked one any better if I tried.

Moss Lake...a place my Grandpa created. So many memories here.

Grandpa built everything in this picture

I mean the man was good!

Just another Wayne Moss original ;)

And I can't forget about his self built storm shelter at the lake, of course with cedar walls, ceiling and tile floors...because why not!?

The last picture we took together at the lake before our lives changed forever and we got the news..

I feel like this poem was written specifically for him

 I know, I know such a sad post. But that's my life...life in general so many ups and downs. It's hard thinking back on it, but I love going through pictures and seeing things he created. He was such a talented man and I pray that the ones that knew him never forget all of his amazing qualities and the ones who didn't get to know just how amazing he was through our stories. I have a special bond with him...not saying I was his favorite, but I mean I am the only granddaughter named after him ;). I kid, I kid.


-Casey